what is a BFF?
an emotional breath
what is a true friend?
unconditional love without an end
what is the world's worst crime?
worrying that it's wasted time
worrying that it's wasted time
worrying that it's wasted time
.
a decade devoted to a BFF
and poof, and she's gone
I really don't matter
dare I ask out loud
when was the last time she asked how I was?
when was the last time she cared to listen to me?
the answer it triggers her guilt
so she avoids me
the answer triggers her shame
so she avoids me
careful, walk on eggshells around her
she might snap at any moment and cut herself
careful, she can't handle the truth
be the strong one and let her go
back to her shelf
so what if I am haunted
still wanting to believe
in the good intentions
of her heart - is faith done?
so what if I am depressed
by betrayal and fatigue
left for dead to die alone
abandonment never killed anyone
instead of feeling appreciation
she feels guilt
instead of showing appreciation
she avoids me
she does not ignore me
but she abandons me
and her avoiding me just brings me back to
worrying that it's wasted time
worrying that it's wasted time
worrying that it's wasted time
to care about someone
to give all you can
to take care of them
to be there for them - anytime
has it always been this way?
has she always avoided me?
have I fooled myself for years thinking she cared about me?
she called me BFF
was sharing and caring all just an accident of proximity?
a convenience of her needing a place to live
and financial support?
current evidence would answer yes
is there any evidence that would answer no?
am I blind to it?
who cares?
silence...
she might hurt herself
she feels so bad
avoiding self-loathing
to not feel sad
she does not feel
so please don't remind her
her guilt and shame
doesn't want you to find her
silence...
what is a BFF?
an emotional breath
what is a true friend?
unconditional love without an end
what is the world's worst crime?
worrying that it's wasted time
worrying that it's wasted time
worrying that it's wasted time
losing a BFF
is something like death
something like death
something like death
something like death
It was an early morning sunrise and the blog just opened up
and the words poured out like melting ice overflowing a cup
and the writer was avoiding the dream of reaching for more
and the audience was silent not sure what they were there for
and that hurt them all right to the fragile core
break through the ice now Mona Lisa
don't let Da Vinci win again
cast off your stony stare Medussa
wake to the power of the pen
I know you hear me
dear sleeping child
I know you feel me
in dreams so wild
they almost scare you
but you are wise
for you know trust and that dares you to use your eyes
and you see truth where it is found
within your mind,
within your heart,
within your thighs
it was a deep and dark December when the writer first began
to heal and somehow survive was the first and only plan
to understand the madness of denial and betrayal
stand and deliver now is truth that all we did was fail?
break through the doubt now lonely Vincent
don't lose your head or ear again
cast off your thorny crown now Jesus
wake to the power of the pen
I know you hear me
dear magic bean
I know you feel me
in sights unseen
they almost scare you
but you are wise
for you know trust and that dares you to use your eyes
and you see truth where it is found
within your mind,
within your heart,
within your thighs...
and you know peace
within your smile
and silent sighs.
when it gets too cluttered i start over
the pages scatter and I wonder, does it matter?
has all I've done and given in this life I'm living
been for naught?
what has it bought?
what has it wrought?
what was I taught?
if I die tomorrow will it be a relief
to all who've known me
even as some some might mourn and shed a tear of grief
so few ever phone me
this is what life's shown me
when too many melodies flow i start over
the notes discordant and I wonder, who really cares?
is anyone listening at all I wonder what you hear
in all these words
am I absurd?
just for the birds?
what was heard?
where is my elton, my andrew, my magic?
where are the melodies that make these words songs?
where are my people, my steeple, so tragic
to feel the whole world crying when we could be so strong
where is the friend I've longed for all along?
where is my song?
where is my missing melody?
why I belong
where we are strong
where is my song?
where is my missing harmony
where we belong
where is our song
this is what you've been waiting for
your whole life
finding love like this
in song
this is where we belong
in song
you have your life and I have mine
we share the journey in different shadows
separated by the double yellow line
but this is where the road narrows
people come and go and never leave a mark
even fewer people can ignite a spark
we live our lives with our private families
but music crosses every line and brings us to our knees
realities and fantasies
merging in the melodies
the feeling is too strong
to be wrong
this is what we've been waiting for
our whole lives
making love like this
in song
this is where we belong
in song
it is a sound that no one can deny
so why even try
to ever say goodbye
when we can fly
realities and fantasies
blending in the harmonies
the feeling is too strong
to be wrong
this is what we've been waiting for
our whole lives
making love like this
in song
this is where we belong
in song
I wish I had a best friend to live with
someone who would want to know me
I wish I had a best friend to give with
someone who would want to grow with me
I wish I had a best friend to live with
someone to share music and tv
I wish I had a best friend to give with
someone who lives giving as much as me
We all need someone who will look out for us
someone who will make us their top priority
someone who will share unconditional trust
someone who helps us relax and be free
You were once that for me
or was that just wishful thinking?
Will we always be family?
my chances of finding my sisters are shrinking
When there is no biological family
this world can be very lonely
so I keep dreaming someone will adopt me
to let me know how it feels
how it feels...
I wish I had family to live with...
We all need someone who will look out for us
someone who will make us their top priority
someone who will share unconditional trust
someone who helps us let go and be free
I spend too many days sitting in the dark
not sure what to do with my time
I shoot too many arrows that miss their mark
and laugh it off with a rhyme
and the darkness is hollow, but so inviting
as if it can end my pain
there must be some reason, but I do not find it
anywhere in my brain
is there something wrong
I hear a voice say
and I do not want to respond
in any way
is there something wrong
it's a monotone
a voice in my head says
leave me alone
I spend too many hours alone in my room
eating spaghetti from a can
reading online about doom and gloom
I don't think this was my plan
I would if I could, but I don't have the broom
to sweep it all under the rug
I start at the walls that feel like a tomb
I've forgotten how to hug
is there something wrong
I hear a voice cry
and I do not want to respond
I don't know why
is there something wrong
I hear a voice groan
a chorus in my head says
leave me alone
please don't yell
please don't laugh
please don't want
my autograph
please don't cheer
please don't cry
please don't say
hello, goodbye
I can't stop
I can't go
I can't be
part of the show
I can't live
I can't die
I can't stand
one more goodbye
I spend to many hours alone
(musical break)
is there something wrong
I hear a voice say
and I do not want to respond
in any way
is there something wrong
it's a monotone
a voice in my head says
leave me alone
is there something wrong
I hear a voice cry
and I do not want to respond
I don't know why
is there something wrong
I hear a voice groan
a chorus in my head says
leave me alone
I can't stop
I can't go
I can't be
part of the show
I can't live
I can't die
I can't stand
one more goodbye
